“…I never got a hole-in-one, but I did hit a guy… which is way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell ‘Fore!’ but I was too busy mumbling ‘There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit ’em…'” -Mitch Hedberg
The most lopsided match in the history of golf – like, ever – was joined on the afternoon of October 29, at Macon’s beautiful Brickyard Golf Club. Fellow Langhornifiers Chris Tsavatewa and Adam Lucas accompanied Messrs. Patel and Greenway, and played a much more closely-matched game alongside the Cup match.
Greenway, coming fresh off of three weeks without picking up a club (except to engage in some pine-tree grooming on Oakview’s driving range), entered the match with a 54 handicap, reflecting his relative lack of experience (and his complete inability to hit a ball without sending it fully 45 degrees to the right). Patel, who *isn’t* a complete jabroni, teed off at a 24 handicap, and proceeded to pretty well dismantle Greenway (as expected), taking the match in 11 and allowing the remainder of the afternoon to be spent on serious boozing.
Highlights and Lowlights
Okay, let me just get this out of the way first: I hit a guy. That’s the lowlight. Doesn’t get any lowlightier than that. I *hit a guy.*
Actually, it’s worse than that – I hit my opponent, which takes the term “party foul” to a whole new level.
So, the 6th hole at the Brickyard is a fairly demanding par five, with plenty of opportunity to land a ball in the water, and a well-guarded green surrounded by I have no idea what the hell I’m even talking about because holy shit, I HIT A GUY.
Easy chip onto the green, easy swing with my wedge, up and straight down, directly into Manishh’s left foot. Fortunately, Manishh is a Good Guy and didn’t get too upset, despite the fact that the only real warning he got was Chippy managing to get out a quick “Uh… Fore? Fore!” about 1.7 milliseconds before impact (I was too busy watching in horror to even get out “F…”). I gave Manishh that hole, which was really just for the sake of etiquette, since he was already about eight strokes ahead, and there’s really no way to get a lucky hop off of an Adidas golf shoe.
Other Lowlights
- Hole #7. My play on #7 turned into a comedy of errors as I took about five strokes to move the ball exactly 32 feet in that godforsaken rough on the right-hand side of the fairway. Probably a lowlight for both of us, as we both took 10+ to find the hole. ‘Course, I think Manishh gets a pass on that one, being as how he was only a few seconds removed from being hit.
- One of my best tee shots of the day drifts about five feet low and clips the top of the Cliffs of Insanity on #9, requiring a monster chip to clear the rocks and begging the question, “Is it SOP to build a golf course in the middle of a @#$%ing *rock garden*?”
- My overall score. One day, if I’m diligent in practicing, work hard on my swing, and eat my vegetables, I might – *might* – break 175. Maybe.
Highlights
- Grey skies and a steady 10-15 knot wind made it feel like we were playing the Old Course at St. Andrew’s on a bracing early autumn day in Scotland – only with less haggis.
- I won a hole – #2 – a little baby par three, which says a lot about my power. Still honestly a lot better than I was expecting to do.
- Lots of bourbon, including a toast shared with a pair of fellow Langhornese who happened to be playing right behind us.
- Good fellowship, good conversation, plenty of laughs and lots of forgiveness, solid advice, and good grace from the three other poor bastards who got stuck with me for the afternoon.
The Bourbon
Enough about the @#$%ing *golf,* let’s talk about the important stuff: what we drank on the course.
Bourbon. Ready-to-Drink from Hotel Bravo was our potable of choice for the round. This affordable bottle (only $30!) comes highly rated by Wine Enthusiast, which is only slightly confusing – but the juiceheads over at WE clearly know a little about Bourbon Whiskey, ’cause it proved to be a smooth, easy-drinking whiskey that went brilliantly with the grey, chilly afternoon. Served triple-duty during the match as a celebratory decoction, an anti-anxiety medication, and emergency pain reliever (see above, re: I hit a guy).
Stay tuned: More “What the hell?!” golfing tales to follow after Round Two: Greenway vs. Alexander (or, Which Lee is the Lee-est?)