History of the Ancient Order of Langhorne Golfers
Since time immemorial, or at least since some fool Scot took it into his head to knock a little round stone into a hole with a crooked stick, the concepts of “whiskey” and “golf” have been indelibly linked.
Admittedly, most of these early golfers were tipplers of the Scotch variety of “whisky,” a decoction distilled from a grain with the unlikely name of barley, aged in a barrel of oak which has been soaked in burnt cow leavings or something of the sort, and then given an unpronounceable name with too many vowels – but no sooner had the game made its way to the New World than those of greater intellect and refinement coupled the pastime with that most cherished of potables: bourbon whiskey.
Throughout the long and storied history of the various Langhorne societies, the game of golf has provided the membership with friendly competition, a mission of self-improvement, and – most importantly – a bloody excuse to get out of the house and drink bourbon. As matter of fact, some of the game’s most important innovations and memorable occurrences have come at the hands of our predecessors in the grand tradition of Langhorne.
1848
Langhorne progenitor Puttendorph (Putter) J. Jehosephat earns a spot in the inaugural Malaysian Invitational in Kuala Lampur. Consoling himself with a bottle of bourbon whiskey following his first-round defeat at the hands of the dreaded Count Slicenhooke, he climbs a native tree to get a better view of the final green. In his inebriated state, he falls from the very apex of the plant, only to hit every single branch on his way back to the Earth. “Upon returning, quite violently, to terra firma,” he writes in his Memoirs on a Sour Mash, “I was astounded to find myself quite enrobed with the sticky sap of the tree and, after determining its unique unsuitability as a mixer for my drink, decided it might be pressed into service as a golf ball.” Thus was invented the “guttie,” putting a lot of Scandinavian feather-stuffers out of business and revolutionizing the game.
1901
During a particularly memorable bender at a tavern in Pinehurst, NC, Langhorne historian Marcus Sisal III is asked by course designer Donald Ross to help him develop a list of names for courses at a soon-to-be opened golf resort. After finishing a third bottle of finest-grade Kentucky liquor, Sisal utters the now famous words, “Well, hell, boy – why don’t you just number the sumbitches?” thus sparing future sporting commentators the need to remember a lot of stuffy course names and revolutionizing the game.
Stunning view of the famed 18th fairway at Ross’s exclusive course
Marcus Sisal III pictured with a few of his closest friends after a raucous “Drink n’ Drown” night at the local pub.
1930
After doing some quick math on the back of a napkin, a young golfer and Langhorne neophyte named Bobby Jones realizes that the ridiculously-named Bobby Cruickshanks has just won the equivalent of 120,000 bottles of bourbon (adjusted for inflation) by wagering on the young Jones’ performance. In a rage, Jones swears off competitive play forever and devotes himself to establishing the single-barrel-whiskey of Golf Courses. Having a post-boozer snack, Jones realizes the viability of pairing such a facility with a sandwich made of cheese and roasted pimiento peppers, thus establishing Augusta National Golf Course and Haberdashery and revolutionizing the game.
1966
After blowing a six-shot lead in the US Open at Olympic, Arnold Palmer (Langhorne Tolerated Hanger-On) vows to never again touch a drop of intoxicating spirits and invents his now signature “cocktail” of iced tea and lemonade. (This does not revolutionize the game. It is only here included to explain why proper Langhorne golfers do not talk about Arnold Palmer.)
2017
On a Saturday bargain-and-used-golf-club excursion through the hinterlands of eastern Crawford County, future Langhorne Club co-founders Christopher Tsavatewa and Lee Greenway, taking in a yard sale behind a rusted-out Airstream, happen upon a well-marked copy of Jehosephat’s Memoirs on a Sour Mash – wedged between a photo album from the 1987 Motorcycle Rally in Sturgis, South Dakota and the starter solenoid from a 1974 Volkswagen Thing. Upon purchasing the volume from the yard sale’s proprietor, the pair are amazed to discover an annotated history of a “Langhorne” society, prompting them to gather other like-minded individuals to revive the defunct organization, and revolutionize the game (of drinking).
The COVID Cup
In March of 2020, the Langhorne Club was dismayed to see the world in a major turmoil, over some damn-fool thing called “COVID-19.” Almost immediately, good comradeship over a glass of fine bourbon whiskey became something only slightly less dangerous than operating a Boeing 747 while under the influence of strong drink.
Never ones to let adversity, Impediment, or a God-forsaken virus get in the way of carrying out the divine mission of celebrating the gospel of bourbon together, those Langhornians of a sporting bent set their minds to establishing some means of gathering together with their fellows in a way that wouldn’t invoke the ire of the Public Health Department, the Centers for Disease Control or the membership’s lungs.
And so was born the COVID Cup, a chance for Langhornites to come together safely, under God’s own blue sky, to tipple bourbon whiskey, exchange good-natured insults and determine which of them was, in fact, the Greatest Golfer in the Whole Bloody World.
In its inaugural year, the Cup attracted 16 members to the field of competition. After numerous well-fought matches, founder, member of the Council of Chrises, and all-around nice guy Chris Tsavatewa emerged victorious, claiming a damned fine bottle of whiskey.
Since that first year, the tournament has grown and matured into what it is today. COVID is no longer the threat it once was, but golfers still want to play golf. The tournament has shed the “COVID” moniker from its name and is now simply known as The Langhorne Cup.
Langhornican golfers ranging in skill from The Next Tiger Woods to The Next Tiger King, from scratch golfers to golfers who scratch themselves, from five handicaps to five-putters will battle it out on courses around the picturesque Middle Georgia region.
Who shall emerge victorious? Crack open a bottle of your favorite bourbon whiskey and check back often as our thoughtful and wise Web Technification Specializer updates scores as they’re returned – and join us for the Langhorne Cup finals later this year!